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Words by WYLDE MOON staff writer
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After three years of juggling dating apps and unsuitable men, our writer has found love and is now engaged. So how did she do it?
My life was dominated by the tyranny of dating apps for three years. One minute I had 100 matches and the future looked rosy – the next, after a string of disastrous dates, and a dead arm from swiping burnout, I would re-imagine my future alone with a house full of pets and never needing to fight over spending Christmas with the in-laws – actually, not all bad at all.
But, finally after 150 weeks braving the world of online dating, including the worst match ever, I found The One.
Much like that first glass of rosé after a long week, the wait really did make it all the more magical.
Here’s what I learnt.
9 Truths about Online Dating
1. Meeting the oh-so-wrong person helps you recognise the right person
The worst date I ever went on involved what should have been a solo trip to Barcelona. I’d been planning it for months. On learning about it, the guy I’d recently met online and started dating said he had plenty of holiday to use and suggested he join me. I knew in my gut it was wrong, but, being a people pleaser, I meekly agreed and he duly booked his flight.
It turned out to be totally hideous. He got blind drunk every night, was rude to everybody and there was zero sexual chemistry. The result? We sat separately on the plane back and never spoke again.
Looking back, it taught me what I didn’t want in a relationship and what I wouldn’t tolerate (the list was pretty much this guy’s personality traits). I firmly believe this led me to meeting my current partner.
Dating, while fun, spontaneous and an emotional whirlwind, is also exhausting, repetitive and tedious. Before you know it you are repeating your career history, where you live and your housemates’ names for the umpteenth time, bored into a zombie-like trance by your own voice. I began viewing dates like a gym session or a job interview. I dreaded them. But while I started to find them painful and repetitive, I told myself I had to hang on in there.
Like that cheesy Neale Donald Walsch quote, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. Sometimes you’ve got to feel uncomfortable to get to the good stuff.
2. It can feel like a job interview…
Dating, while fun, spontaneous and an emotional whirlwind, is also exhausting, repetitive and tedious. Before you know it you are repeating your career history, where you live and your housemates’ names for the umpteenth time, bored into a zombie-like trance by your own voice. I began viewing dates like a gym session or a job interview. I dreaded them. But while I started to find them painful and repetitive, I told myself I had to hang on in there.
3. Don’t fill in the gaps about what you don’t know…
I’ve been on countless dates with people I was really excited about meeting, only to find that in person, we just didn’t click. Other dates I nearly cancelled, assuming they wouldn’t be attractive or interesting, only to end up having the best time. Joining up imaginary dots based on misguided beliefs about my ‘type’, or things I’d misinterpreted from their profiles was wrong.
I’m a big advocate for listening to your gut but there’s a lot to be said for staying open-minded and not writing people off. Not every date has to be a long, drawn-out three-hour affair. A quick coffee or stroll round the park should promptly determine whether it’s worth a longer meet-up. Why not just say yes, unless, of course your gut is telling you beware, of course.
4. Meet up ASAP…
Dating apps can be a mysterious vortex – you spend months chatting to somebody only to discover their profile has disappeared into the ether, without a trace. Likewise, you finally meet up after endless back-and-forth conversations only to realise you have zero in common. The disappointment of discovering there’s no spark after months of chat is a disappointment like no other.
My advice? Seize the day! If you’re interested in someone, suggest meeting up sooner rather than later. The worst that can happen is you’re not compatible, but at least you’ll know and can move on ASAP.
5. Rethink rejection…
I think it was Dita Von Teese who once declared, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea (or peach) it’s mathematically impossible. If somebody ghosts you or ends things, that’s OK because you’re going to have to reject people too.
A friend helped me reframe things after a particularly brutal dumping by simply asking, “Did you actually like them?” The answer, once I really examined it, was ‘Erm, not really.” Instead of focusing on whether they’re attracted to you, ask yourself whether you’d choose them.
6. It’s a marathon, not a sprint…
Let’s face it, most of us have busy lives, packed full of responsibilities. Dating – both the date itself and the preamble leading up to it – is often massively time-consuming, especially when you’re chatting to several people. Think of it like a marathon, not a sprint. Instead of packing in three dates, back-to-back and experiencing burnout, aim for a realistic one or maximum two a week. Taking a break is also fine. If you’re not in the mood, give yourself a few weeks off and try again when you’ve got your mojo back.
7. Don’t sit on the fence…
I’ve nodded politely through countless drinks when men have told me things I either know for a fact are incorrect (Stephen Gately was not in East 17) or I absolutely don’t agree with. But what’s the point? Sitting on the fence or holding back means you’re unlikely to make proper, real connections. Those happen when you share meaningful views or passionate beliefs. Be brave – you’re not here to be liked by everyone, you’re here to make connections and that takes sticking your head above the parapet sometimes. That includes your profile too – be upfront and honest about your beliefs, likes and desires. I know opposites attract but one hundred matches aren’t really matches if you’re not compatible.
8. Trust your gut…
I once swapped numbers on Bumble with a pilot who asked me to voice-note him before meeting, which I did uneasily. Next, he asked me to send him a selfie holding a piece of paper with his name on it, as ‘proof’ I wasn’t a catfish. While I understood he’d had bad experiences before there was something about the demanding and suspicious nature of the whole thing that gave me the ick. I cancelled the date and his reply – a rather rude, curt voice-note – told me I’d definitely made the right call. Follow your instincts, no questions asked.
9. Remember, it just takes one…
In a sea of faces, bios and tiger photos, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the volume of people out there or wonder how you’ll ever be noticed. My ego took a battering when I curiously scrolled through a male friend’s female matches and the competition suddenly felt fierce. After a run of bad or lacklustre dates (trust me, I’ve been there) you’d probably rather stay home watching Netflix instead of asking a stranger what they do for a living over a £12 mojito. I felt that way too. But one coffee date, one quick drink after work or, in my case, one dog walk on a rainy Sunday morning and within an instant, everything really can change for the better.
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